Tuesday, April 4, 2017

More Than a Filling? Classic Rock Responsible for Trump Victory

As the post-election inquisition subsides, it is clear that the reasons for the Trump victory are deep-rooted and systemic. One new factor has come to light following research by The American Association of Dentists  (AAD): over-consumption of classic rock in America's heartland. The AAD were interested in the effects of classic rock radio on patients in the chair, sponsoring a study to examine the consequences of exposure to Wind of Change during dental procedures. The results were alarming and lead to new AAD limits on exposure. Dr. Ray D. Atemore of the AAD told The Tribune Digest:
"There was clearly a parallel between the effects of sugary drinks on teeth and the consequences of over exposure to Sweet Home Alabama. The US consumption of classic rock is the aural equivalent of ice cream--comfort food that is binge-eaten--and our study showed that it rots the brain just as sugar rots teeth"
The image below is from the AAD study showing the exposure per capita to Hotel California:


The distribution of high-exposure counties mirrors the post-election USA map, with Republican voters primarily in these areas. Coincidence? We suspect not, the use of classic rock to affect mental stability has several precedents, including successful military applications.



Tuesday, March 14, 2017

The Butcher of Baghdad Resurfaces to Fight Trump

Long time, no see! The Butcher of Baghdad is back, and ready to fight the President on his plans to ban Halal food. After Mr. Trump's recent Tweet vowing to outlaw Halal, The Butcher has been vocal in resisting.

Read the full story here. Exclusively, we publish a rare glimpse of The Butcher of Baghdad as photographed in 2016:


Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Trump Links Climate Change to Immigration

An overlooked but worrying message on the presidential Twitter account today indicated a shift in White House stance on climate change:


The President's message appears to indicate he no longer believes that the Chinese are responsible for climate change but rather the same immigrants that are responsible for terrorism and crime. And he has the independent scientific backing of the EPA.

More details here: the only source for real fake news!

Monday, February 27, 2017

The King of Sweden Acts to Counter Fake News

As Sweden gets mired in Trump's rhetoric and the ensuing deluge of less-than-truthful news, the King of Sweden has acted quickly to stem the fake flood. We are proud, here at The Turunn Tribune, to display our Royal Certificate of Veracity, authenticated by the King himself. Lest anyone doubteth the words here displayed, our noble leige has hereby certified their absolute integrity.



Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Lauren's Polo Brand Modernized to be Wearable in the 21st Century


The new line of Polos is iconic in its simplicity. Designed by The Turunn Tribune, it’s exactly the same as today’s Polo shirt, except that the ridiculous horse emblem has been removed. This is the Swedish principle of guntelschnh├╝lmenstacht–sparse simplicity–incarnate in a leisure shirt. To honor this Swiss influence the line is being baptized “The Polo Guntelschnh├╝lmenstacht” and a snappy media campaign will herald its launch in 2017.

Further details, including a special offer, are available here.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

The Turunn Tribune Digest

Going forward, this site--The Turunn Tribune Digest--will contain a digestible version of the more intellectually-stretching broadsheet edition. It will be an "Editor's Pick" chosen by me and the talented journalists here at The Tribune. Today, we would like to feature our partners at HBR who have recently published two top management tips for budding executives worldwide.

Tip #1: Execute Your Deliverables


















In this piece we analyze the word “improvement” itself. Its etymological roots lie in the Swedish word ├╝ntlagneschafftunhulm meaning “rotten Norse Warrior”, combined with the Latin improre “to meet”. So it’s literally “meeting a rotten Norseman”. Through insightful thought-leadership, HBR will guide you and the Norseman safely back to the leadership longboat, showing you how to bravely execute all your deliverables and rape and pillage the village of career stagnation with impunity!

Tip #2: A New Twist on “In a Prior Life”















Here, our experts at HBR encourage the creative use of language by taking an favorite executive aphorism and re-purposing it, breathing new life into a cliche to make it sound impactful and resonant. “In a prior life…” is usually a lead-in to a desperately dull story you have already heard multiple times about what the leader did in a previous role, usually at a previous employer, and usually using a system that is even more outdated than the ones they impose on the company in their current role. We advise students to use this phrase with a twist: use it to mean literally what you did in a prior cycle of karmic rebirth before you transmigrated into your current physical manifestation. For example:
“In a prior life…I was an Oxpecker bird living on the back of a very bad-tempered rhinoceros in central Africa during the early years of the first century. I learned that to get the juicy parasites buried in the hippo’s skin sometimes I had to whistle a sweet melody to calm the animal and then strike swiftly to excise the tasty prey. I think we should use the same tactic to leverage this IPO….” 
We hope you find this useful and will enjoy future editions of The Turunn Tribune Digest!

Jaghen!

- Bjorn