CEOs Obsessed by SnapChat

Disturbing new evidence has linked the continuing downturn in the productivity of the western bloc with the meteoric ascent of the social networking app Snapchat. The data show clearly that rates of productivity-decline mirror that of Snapchat's explosive growth.

Analysts have also established that China's economic success is in fact fueled by their strategy of banning Snapchat and other social media, while encouraging their trade partners to participate fully. As with all social networking--which begins as a fresh, fun activity and then is appropriated by middle-aged executives and other bored adults to be a sounding board for their pointless bigotry and exploding-melon gifs--Snapchat has increasingly targeted the older person. The surprise finding is that the new Snapchat demographic is predominately high-level executives, responsible for driving their corporations' profitability.

Speaking off-the-record, Dr Jorgen Sandersen a Swedish-born, Harvard-educated senior marketing executive in a global pharmaceutical giant--Snapcode @fluffybuns--told TTT:

"My Snapchat story is increasingly leverageable. If it comes to a choice between spending time with our executive leadership team and getting some good material for the story, Snapchat wins every time. It allows a level of granularity in my timeframe for enhanced visibility, clearly differentiating my deliverables. The Senior Vice President pharmaceutical footprint is very much aligned with Snapchat, our networking events and conferences are increasingly Snapchat-centric. By the way please don't publish my LinkedIn profile or Snapcode, I don't want our employee-base to be aware."

LinkedIn declined to be interviewed for this story, apparently because the workload required to send millions of meaningless emails to subscribers who need their endorsements updating did not leave time for additional media presence. Nevertheless the continuing contribution of social networking to the international downturn threatens to seriously destabilize western economies unless order is brought rapidly to this emerging new world.

This worrying world exclusive brought to you by Stig Broodersjeeun reporting from Boston, USA